Brenda and the F Word

Can you resign from a blog? I guess not. Not if you’re the only one on it. For months, I’ve been leaping out of bed in the morning, (OK. That is a gross exaggeration. I probably wouldn’t leap out of bed if it was on fire.) But it did feel like first love or Christmas morning, that fluttering in my stomach. I just couldn’t wait to hit the keyboard. Today, I’d like to hit the keyboard with a lead mallet. One of those mallets you see seen in those quarry scenes in prison movies. You know, the ones that break up rocks. Speaking of which..Have any of you ever noticed those road signs on the way to Disneyworld? The ones that say: Slow. Convicts Working? I figured I was hallucinating. I mean, you’ve got this carful of kids fantasizing about, finally, meeting Cinderella and Mickey Mouse, right? But there on the side of the road, they see shotgun toting guards and a fucking chain gang in bright orange uniforms. I’m not talking chains as in Fitty Cent bling. I’m talking Cool Hand Luke, Papillion, kind of chains. It’s just plain bizarre. And so is this bit of news from the Post. It seems Shana Madoff, daughter of Bernie’s brother, Peter, contacted Larry Levine, founder of Wall Street Prison Consultants. He runs FEDTIME 101, a crash course for white collar criminals on their way to the chokey. Of course, if they freeze Shana’s assets, she may not have the $850 bucks it takes to enroll. 
So, Shana, if you’re reading, here is some free advice.

Pack a blue bag and half a yard (borrow it from aunt, Ruth). Be nice to your cellie and the Boss. Make a road dog. Stay away from Grandma’s, don’t catch a cold. Oh. And get a fucking Cadillac. 

Translation:
blue bag: Maxwell House instant coffee, used as money
Half a yard: Fifty bucks
Cellie: Obvious
Boss: Guard or Sorry son of a bitch backwards
Road Dog: Friend
Grandma’s: Gang headquarters
Catch a cold: get killed
Cadillac: job