Wednesday, October 28, 2009

What the fuck department 2

Maybe it’s a case of mistaken identity. Maybe it’s my doppelganger. But there’s another Brenda out there somewhere who resides at my same AOL address. Occasionally, I receive these fantastically surreal updates on her or is it my other life? This morning, for instance. My dear friend, Jeff Chubb, CC’s me on plans for our weekend. After exchanging vital data re cellphones etc., he says: “You can either hunt/stalk turkey or shoot small game before cutting wood…”
To which I replied: Jeff: I was gonna go see the Michael Jackson movie. But stalking/hunting deer sounds like a blast. We are talking bow and arrow, right?(Shooting small game is out. Dad’s Purdy is in the shop) What else should I bring? My ukelele, maybe?

Which leads to another e mail from my friend Lisa Davis. She wrote last year about a horse…

Subj: Information on Mare
Date: 1/27/2009 10:55 Eastern Standard Time
From: Lisa.Davis@Sternbottom&Tate
To: Brendawhatever@wherever

Dear Brenda:
I was copied on your e mail searching for a home for your horse. Can you give me some information?
How old is she? When did she have the foal and where is the baby? Has she been used strictly for breeding purposes? What are the reasons for giving her up?
Thank you for the information.

Subj: Information on Mare
Date: 1/28/2009 9:44 Eastern Standard Time
From: Brenda whatever@wherever
To: Lisa.Davis@Sternbottom&Tate

Dear Lisa,
The mare is four years old. She had the foal three weeks ago and we gave the baby up for adoption. (To a lovely family on E 4th St.) As you might imagine, breeding has become a bit complicated here as space in the back shower room is tight for one fucking horse, never mind two. As for our reasons for giving her up… Sunday she ate thirteen rolls of jumbo paper towels and four tubes of Crest toothpaste. Also her whinnying is annoying the neighbors.
Looking forward to hearing from you soonest.

Posted by Brenda in 17:53:56

4 Responses to “What the fuck department 2”

  1. Uncle Vinny says:

    Hahahha! I love this. Once the horses get a taste of Crest, they won’t deign to eat anything but.

    Also: I am a secret voyeur, a voyeur manque, if you will, and often harbor guilty wishes of being able to read everyone’s email. EVERYONE. (I should absolutely never take a job at Google.) But it would be fun to occasionally get random email that was intended for someone else… I imagine other people’s inboxes are about as thrilling as mine, but still, I would read it all greedily. Yum, secrets!

  2. leigh says:


    “To a lovely family on E 4th St”

  3. Brenda says:

    Welcome to my life, Vinny. Unfortunately, my AOL address is also used for pushing everything from Viagra to fucking mattresses. Do mattresses f@(*$? Anyway, thanks for the wit. As usual.

  4. Brenda says:

    Dear Jager: Wow! I had to this read three times and I’m still confused. Peg must have been, too. But she sounds like one fantastic nurse is all I can say. Thanks for commenting.

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