Monday, March 1, 2010

Viva Viagra(but not for 15 year-olds)

I’ll get to that punchline in a minute. But Thursday nite, you shoulda been there. Nine immaculately groomed, all-buttoned up (all buttoned up in the beginning, anyway) thirty to forty year old women and me. There was a time I used to dismiss this type of woman. The type that’s too thin and too taut with shiny white teeth, perfect hair, and nicely applied “all natural” make-up. I figured they were boring, corporate, and way too controlling. Then I realized that I am also too thin and too taut and definitely way too controlling. So now I try not to dismiss them so quickly. It’s hard, tho. It’s very hard, especially when you hear them discussing the ins and outs of their personal skin-care “regimen” with the same sort of intensity and fierce earnestness that I might use to discuss genocide in the Congo or the melting of the polar ice cap. But this, after all, was why we were together in the room. To give an ad agency feedback about a new skin-care product. In this case, that product happened to be an extremely high end moisturizer. So high end, it gave me vertigo. Because it costs $1,000 an ounce. That’s right. A thousand bucks an ounce. When I heard they were giving it away free for ninety minutes of my time, I didn’t walk. I fucking ran through a blizzard to get there.

After the discussion came the great unveiling. There it was. A lucite diamond jar heavy enough to use as a doorstop. Or a weapon.Within seconds, jackets and sweaters were off. Shirts unbuttoned. Even sleeves rolled up as we dug into this magic creme with tiny silver spoons and slathered the stuff all over our skin in layers as thick as paint. My hands were so slippery, I couldn’t even hold a pencil. And I wasn’t alone. We were all greased up like women about to swim the English Channel. Which is when I stopped and laughed out loud. Because I had suddenly seen an ugly side of myself. It wasn’t my face or my skin. It was GREED. Pure, unadulterated greed. The same kind of greed that I imagine brings down international banks and creates men like Bernie Madoff. I mean, if I’d had a pocketbook, I would have stolen the stuff– swiped the bottles right off the counter and shoved them deep down into my bag. It was scary… At which point, the woman next to me told us a story about two of her friend’s sons on the Upper East Side. Seems they stole a couple of tabs of Viagra from Daddy’s medicine cabinet. Nine hours later, they still had hard-ons. Their parents had to take them to a nearby Emergency Room. I guess if women had hard-ons, I’d have had one for that $1,000 creme. But what a way to learn a lesson…
P.S. It’s now five days later and I swear I have the neck of a twenty-year-old. Maybe I’ll, finally, wash it off tonight.

Posted by Brenda in 17:11:41

14 Responses to “Viva Viagra(but not for 15 year-olds)”

  1. scribbler50 says:

    Top to bottom this is a hilarious post (and of course telling). To wit: “We are all greased up like women about to swim the English Channel.” That’s quite a visual, Brenda, as is the image of you unable to hold a pencil. This event should have been filmed!

  2. Brenda says:

    many thanks, scrib. also just got an uplift/link from mr. Wolcott. I thought the sitemeter was broken!

  3. Petro says:

    Have you read “The Master and Margarita” by Bulgakov? Particularly the part with the magic cream Satan provides a protagonist to turn her into a witch? You evoke the same atmosphere of, well, greed with this post.

    This is a compliment. ;)

    (Good book, too, if you haven’t read it.)

  4. Ken says:

    I’d ask what possessed teenage boys to swallow viagra, but having been a teenage boy, to ask the question is to answer it. This sounds like a rejected episode of “Two and a Half Men”. Makes my late 60s teen years seem innocent by comparison. It wasn’t really so, of course.

    It’s always startling to confront our dark sides. You never know what will bring it out in a way that there is no deniability (to ourselves–the person we most like to lie to). With you it was perfume and greed. It was something completely different for me. I found out what a remorseless man I could be when I was pushed.

  5. blue girl says:

    LOL! I love you, Brenda.

  6. Brenda says:

    sooo nice to hear it! And glad to keep you grinning.

  7. Brenda says:

    Well, Ken. It hard to get remorseless with moisturizer. But yeah! It is always startling to confront the darth vader in all of us.

  8. Brenda says:

    It’s one of my favorites–the book not the moisturizer. Although it took me a couple of tries before I loved it. Thanks for reading.

  9. Ken says:

    Think though, Brenda, if you had the moisturizer in your hands, and it was yours, and somebody snatched it away, and you were in a position to make a strong, not to mention vindictive and vengeful, move in response. You might find your inner remorselessness, too!

    Can’t wait to read about the concert.

  10. beejeez says:

    Speaking as a former teenage boy, I think a 9-hour hard-on would be only an hour or so out of the ordinary.

  11. Brenda says:

    GOL, beejeez. (as in guffawing out loud.) but yeah. you’re probably right!

  12. tc says:

    What dumb kids. I remember endless erections when I was a teenager. So hard they were painful and made my member an inch or more bigger than it is now. What I wouldn’t have given for a pill to make them go away, especially in those horrible last 5 minutes before gym class. I guess that fear of riducule always kicked in at the last minute. Of course, now if I had that problem I’d take pictures for posterity and plaster the internet with pictures of it.

  13. Brenda says:

    yeah, well, Tad. It wouldn’t surprise me if they did. take pictures, I mean. They’re probably all over f’ing Facebook.

  14. Brenda says:

    Yes, well, L., I draw the line at $4 coffee. And the point is, I’d NEVER buy moisturizer at $1,000 bucks an ounce. But when it’s free??? Hell, sure I want it. My idea for the print ad was to simply run the price with a photo of the jar. Period. No poetic copy, no scientific promises, just the facts, ma’am. Anyway, thanks for commenting.

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